(originally published on Facebook)
About the “monster” inside of us, the voice that wants to drink..
Not listening to that voice helps, but.. one thing I’ve learned is that whatever you are trying to not look at/listen to, will not let go. It will stay there and right when it sees an opportunity, it will knock you down.
I drank so I wouldn’t have to feel whatever my inner Self was going through. She wanted to be heard, but I didn’t want to buy into her “weakness”. So, whenever she’d see an opportunity, ie. when I was too drunk to think straight, it’s like she’d push me over, step in, and hijack the situation.
When I quit drinking, for the first YEAR, I used to talk about her as if she was bad, as if she was this “monster”. And I thought “Oh, I’m so glad I don’t drink anymore, I don’t have to deal with her again”, but…. That person I was despising, that person I was hoping to never see again, was a part of my Self. And just like before, ignoring her was STILL running away. Running away from her, being afraid of her, denying her the right to exist.
That’s when I decided to invite her in… Tell her that we weren’t drinking anymore, but that I was willing to listen to her, whatever it is that she had to say, that I was willing to let her in if she cooperated.
In the end, it’s like kids, you know those ones who are just so annoying all the time, provoking their parents, they’re not bad kids.. They just need love (attention) and don’t know how to get it or ask for it…
There is a way to listen to that part of us that wants to drink.. Let her know that she’s invited in, but not allowed to drink. That we’re willing to give her a second chance, as crazy as that sounds, because we want PEACE. We don’t want to keep living afraid of her… That’s not freedom.. Real freedom is when we’re not afraid at all…
It takes time, and as crazy as it seems, as much resistance we might have at first, in the long run, it’s the most viable option.. ❤