Let it out!

let-it-out annick ina

It’s 11:04 am and I’m finally getting out of bed. For a minute a voice at the back of my head suggests that I should be ashamed: There are people who have gotten out of bed to go to work 4 hours ago! Yes. True. But I didn’t. Because I chose not to. Just like those people woke up this morning to go to work because they chose to. We always have a choice. So, yes, today I’m getting out of bed at 11:04 am, and that’s OK.

I’ve been awake for 3 hours though. What have I done? I’ve been on Facebook. I’ve liked posts and written words of love and encouragement to people. Does it mean that because it’s on Facebook it wasn’t work? It doesn’t really matter to me because that’s what I felt like doing. Now I am writing this out, and then, I will heat up lunch, and go to the office. I will write emails, and I will have chats and sessions with clients, and this is what I’m going to do until 7pm when the office closes.

Almost every day, as the receptionist starts packing her stuff, getting ready to close, I wish I could stay longer, because that’s when my creative juices are flowing. But then, well, I can’t, so that’s fine as well. I get to come home and relax.

This morning I also read a book, Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. I love this woman. I just love how she shows up, and says things as they are. She is not afraid to show up as the beautiful gorgeous “mess” that she is, and I say “mess” in an extremely lovingly way, because, aren’t we all a mess by definition? We’re complex human beings, whose brains seem to have a life of their own. That’s apparently what makes the difference between us and animals or plants.

I was deeply inspired this morning, when she wrote about how she first started writing because she just needed to let her true self out. The self that didn’t need to protect itself from others, the self that didn’t need to put a mask on, the self that wasn’t afraid to feel. And I just love that. It spoke to me so strongly because recently I started writing too, and this is exactly how I felt. Being able to say things out loud, to get those feelings and emotions out, to let that part of me express itself feels SO liberating. It’s sometimes painful and relieving at the same time, like popping a zit.

For some reason, society expects us to be OK all the time. To smile all the time, because those who don’t, those who dare to say they’re not OK, somehow make others uncomfortable, because not being OK is, well, how to say.. not OK. If you’re sad, and you happen to share it on Facebook, if you post something saying that you’re feeling blue, very often, the reaction you’ll get is “Sorry to hear that!”.

I know people mean good, but not being OK is part of being OK! We need to acknowledge the feelings that we have. All of them. We can’t just choose to acknowledge the “good” ones, because otherwise the “bad” ones end up piling up somewhere, in some dark “bad” feelings cemetery until the day it gets so full that it starts leaking, and next thing you know (actually, the scary part is that you actually DON’T know) is that you’ve got putrefying sad feelings leaking up in your whole being, polluting all of you. Who wants that? I don’t.

I want to be able to feel the good feels and the bad feels, so that in the end, I’m balanced. Because balance is important. And this is why I’m writing this today. Because that’s what I’ve seen recently on Facebook. A lot of people are feeling the same way at the moment. A lot of people are feeling the need to express what they’re feeling because they’re not OK anymore with keeping it in and sticking a smile on their face, to show the world they’re strong, or to avoid making others uncomfortable.

I don’t know where this is going, but this is what I wanted to say. I’m going to write, I’m going to write when I feel good, and I’m going to write when I don’t feel that good, because I want you to know that it’s a process, and sometimes you have to walk through the not so good feelings to be able to feel great, and there’s nothing wrong about that. Nothing. You’ve got to face the dark, you’ve got to go there and fix some light bulbs so that it’s not dark anymore. You’ve got to do the work, because darkness is not going to light itself up on its own.

So yes, I am going to write, and I’m going to write my book. I think it’s no coincidence that Glennon Doyle Melton’s book starts with this Joan of Arc quote: “I am not afraid… I was born to do this.” Very much along the lines of my own opening quote:

Sometimes the excruciating pain of [the guilt, the shame, the fear] becomes so unbearable that you just can’t keep running away anymore. The faint hope of freedom is worth risking it all. Exhausted and breathless, heart pounding in your chest, you finally stop and in the most powerfully graceful move, you swerve, turn around and face your darkness. “I am ready. I am not afraid. I am Light.”

And that’s exactly how I feel. I am ready.