I usually tear up pretty easily: when I watch movies, The Ellen Show or talent show auditions… As an empath, I’m moved when I witness people being moved. But this time, it was a different kind of crying.
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There’s been a lot of changes in my life recently and I was kind of expecting it. I had already factored it in the equation, and I knew that the day would come when the ugly cry would knock on my door. What I hadn’t foreseen though, is that it would happen in the presence of another human being who was actually not being paid to witness it.
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Being strong has been a life goal for me for as long as I can remember. Strong and independent. When I cried, I cried on my own, curled up in a ball, in the privacy of my bedroom. I’d sometimes even cry for hours until I was ready to move, but always in private. I would talk about it sometimes, but that was it.
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However, as I write in my book Soul Superstar, I have recently started experimenting with opening up and receiving love and support from those around me. I have decided to take my relationships and my life to a different level by allowing people in spaces of my heart that hadn’t been visited for a loooong time. I’m not used to it and it doesn’t come naturally, but I’m willing to work on getting better at it.
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At times it can be awkward, but in the end, it feels good. Like a warm and loving hug. What happened a few days ago was actually funny and I thought I’d share with you.
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I was experiencing some niggling feelings I couldn’t put my finger on, around some news I had received. It was quite unsettling and I thought I would share with my long time friend. I texted her and she almost immediately called. Now, I’m sure you must have experienced this you too: You’re doing quite a good job at holding up when suddenly someone close shows up and a wave of emotions coming from God knows where, washes over you and you break down into tears. A part of me was like “What the … ?!” but another part of me felt relieved: at least that ball of entangled undefined emotions was finally taking shape.
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My friend asked me questions and I answered, trying to put on my best voice, but as we kept discussing the painful topic, I got to a point where I couldn’t hold it anymore, and my voice morphs into this ugly cry-talk. Half a second of silence… I’m crying for the first time in probably 15 years with this friend. She asks: “Are you crying…?” Lol. Am I supposed to answer this or is it a rhetorical question? I decide to answer. Will a Yes suffice? I give it a try and manage a muffled “Yes” between two sobs. I virtually hold my breath as I wait for her reaction. I’m not used to being in that position. I’m not too sure what to expect.
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One thing for sure, I wasn’t expecting that reaction: as my sobby “Yes” sinks in, she immediately exclaims, in full surprise, “So you do cry sometimes?” I burst out laughing and so does she. We talk, I cry, she listens, she talks, I listen and I’m glad I’m doing this with her. We talk some more. I’m not crying anymore. The situation is still the same, but I’m feeling much better. I’m feeling grateful and blessed to have people like her in my life. My heart is burning with love and I realise that life is so much better when you open up to receiving.
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As an entrepreneur, I’ve had this belief for a very long time that I had to do everything myself. That I should take care of everything, look after everything, be and do everything myself. So much pressure. And so little joy. Joy is another of my Core Desired Feelings this year, and sharing brings me Joy. Sharing as in giving AND receiving.
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Allowing myself to receive has been one of the best decisions I’ve made to take my life to the next level. It’s all relatively new to me, especially on the emotional plan, but I’m working those receiving muscles out, one little action at a time, and it’s bringing great satisfactions. What are the areas of your life in which you are most resistant when it comes to receiving?